James Bond Fridays: The Archive

bonds

Over the past year, I have occasionally participated in an event of my own making called James Bond Friday. It’s pretty much what you’d expect: I would watch a James Bond movie, slowly working my way through the entire series, and I would tweet about it.

While going back over my tweets to refresh my memory on certain films in the franchise, I decided that some of these were pretty funny (possibly funnier out of context), and figured I’d share them all with you here!

A couple notes. First of all, I didn’t livetweet EVERY movie in the franchise, but I did at least tweet SOMETHING for 16 of them. That’s a whole lot of tweets. Also, I’m copy/pasting these EXACTLY  how they were, typos, mistakes, and all. Given how quickly I was rattling these off, this means that there are a few things that are inaccurate (most of which I correct myself in future tweets), and lots of spelling and typing errors that I would normally be ashamed of on this site. But take this as it is: a glimpse into my mind as I watched 16 movies of varying degrees of insanity.

Thunderball

The opening sequence to Thunderball may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen

You Only Live Twice

You Only Live Twice was shot by the same DP who did Lawrence of Arabia, yet still contains one of the worst rear-projection shots ever.

Literally half of the Sean Connery Bond movies end with Bond and a girl making out on a yellow life raft.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

From a purely cinematic standpoint, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service holds up SO MUCH BETTER than the Connery Bond movies.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is also extremely confusing, continuity-wise.

Kinda weird how Blofeld (in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) doesn’t recognize the guy who invaded his volcano base 2 years ago.

Then again, George Lazenby referred to “the other guy” at one point, but seems to have memories of hte other movies…GAH! CONTINUITY!

Diamonds Are Forever

Man, Connery does not look as good in Diamonds are Forever. 4 years can do a lot to a person, apparently.

If you wrote half of what happens in early Bond films into a screenplay today, you’d be labelled a misogynist.

Bond did the “turn your back and move your arms around like you’re making out with someone” Jr. High trick to be inconspicuous. It worked.

James Bond is uncomfortably casual about the number of women who get murdered because they just happened to be around him.

I love that in the James Bond universe, a research group faked the moon landing and apparently they have people re-enacting it for no reason

Again, I would just like to point out that right now, James Bond is outrunning ATVs in a moon lander. This is happening.

Trying to explain the broken continuity of early Bond movies is baffling in and of itself.

I think the props people for the last two Connery Bond films might have purposefully made him drive vehicles way too tiny for him.

Also, in case it’s lost on people, these aren’t all complaints. These movies are super entertaining, mostly BECAUSE of the silliness.

You’d think if the Bond producers were going to replace the actor playing Blofeld 3 times they would at least hire people who look similar.

I also love that this guy has a voice modulator that changes his British accent to a Southern US one. I want one of those.

Okay, Diamonds Are Forever is the first Bond movie in the series that was actually difficult to sit through.

Live and Let Die

Okay, I’ve never been to a New Orleans voodoo ritual before, but I’m pretty sure the opening to Live and Let Die is racist as fuck.

Also, the cut from a guy being killed by a poisonous snake to Paul McCartney’s theme song is hilarious.

Haha I’m loving this British dude being completely flummoxed by an espresso machine.

The flirtations with Moneypenny get weird when she’s the same actress who’s aged 11 years and he’s a fresh-faced new Bond.

Bond movie plots are hard for me to follow, because I’m way more interested in espresso machines and dress-opening watches than exposition.

I think Live and Let Die just went full-on blaxploitation movie.

You can IMMEDIATELY tell who the Bond Girl is going to be, because she’s the only light-skinned woman in this hideout of black men.

That may be one of the most uncomfortable realizations I’ve ever had watching a movie.

This movie is so obviously written by a bunch of stuffy white men, but it’s trying to be a blaxploitation film. It’s so fucking weird.

There are clearly visible, fully nude photos of women on a wall in this scene. How did they get away with that?!

Like, they have a whole opening teasing the female form, using all shadows and stuff, and then there are just naked women posted in the BG.

Also, this movie continues to be incredibly racist, but it’s kind of interesting to dissect it from a “what were they thinking?” standpoint.

The way he handles his black partner is clearly them trying to figure out how to handle the subject of interracial sex/relationships.

He has to make it clear that he WANTS to have sex with her, but she doesn’t, but maybe she does, we’ll just skip over that.

Let the record show that, in Live and Let Die, Bond quite literally fucks the psychic powers out of a woman.

My favorite thing so far in Live and Let Die: there are multiple trapdoors in this club, just in case somebody asks not to be seated at one.

I’m still really confused as to what a British secret agent has to do with voodoo heroin trades in New Orleans. Or psychics.

This guy’s plot is hilariously misguided. He wants to give away billions of $ of heroin to get people hooked nationwide.

He thinks that’ll destroy his competition and get everybody to buy from him. But won’t they just get whatever they can?

I don’t think heroin junkies, especially those who got hooked for free, are the brand-loyal type…

Geez, they didn’t even try to make it look like this guy’s hook is replacing his hand. His “hook” arm is notably longer than his normal one.

He just mentioned how a croc “took [his] whole arm off!” No it didn’t! Only your hand is “missing!” We can see your wrist bend!

Bond just Pitfall-Harry’d his way over like 5 crocodiles. By that, I mean he used them as a bridge.

This movie’s lone gadget is hilariously lame. It’s a watch with a magnet. A pretty strong magnet, but still. Step up your game, Q.

“Hey, how do us white people make a blaxploitation Bond movie without seeming racist?” “Write in a white racist caricature?” Enter: JW

For those not in-the-know, this is JW

JW has had more screentime than Bond since being introduced, and he’s not tied to the plot at all.

There’s this absolutely killer speedboat chase happening, but it keeps cutting away to JW being a redneck.

There’s a tribal New Orelans ceremony going on to sacrifice the psychic James Bond deflowered, and it doesn’t get more racist than this.

That last tweet may be the most insane sentence I’ve ever typed.

With only 10 minutes left to go, they introduce a secret underground base. It’s like somebody just went “oh shit, I forgot we need that!”

Okay, this movie is horrible, but it does have the single greatest villain death so far.

Seriously, check this shit out. Skip to 45 seconds if you’re feeling impatient

One of the comments from that video: “When Bond movies were good.” Hahahahahaha…

I want to meet this person. “Man, Skyfall is awful. I miss when Bond was about voodoo heroin dealers and sex-disabled psychics”

Huh, I guess this guy DOES have a whole robot arm…

Hahaha what the fuck with that ending?! Did they want to bring that villain back?!

Live and Let Die is definitely the worst movie in the series so far, but it’s more MEMORABLE than Diamonds are Forever, at least.

The Man With the Golden Gun

THIRD NIPPLE ALERT! WE HAVE A THIRD NIPPLE

The third nipple is on a man, because standards and practices exist. Then again, there were fully nude women pictures in the last movie…

The “henchman” in this movie is an Indian little person. He serves drinks instead of throwing hats at people like Oddjob.

Haha. Of course the Bonf villain has a darkly-lit neon psychedelic mirror room. This is the 70s now.

Ah, another “training to kill James Bond” opening. This movie has already borrowed ideas directly from two previous movies.

Alright, most Bond songs are pretty stupid, but this one’s literally just about a guy who’s a pretty good shot with a gun.

Title sequences are getting a bit more risque at this point.

“He always uses a golden bullet. Hence, man with the golden gun.” …wouldn’t that make him the man with the golden bullet, though?

I guess “Man with the Golden Bullet” doesn’t sound as cool. Plus it’s not as interesting a mode for N64 multiplayer.

Also, I know for a fact that the man does, in fact, have a golden gun in this movie. Nobody else knows that, though.

Not too much of note in Bond lately. He’s just hitting on a bellydancer and fighting some dudes in her dressing room.

This movie is so much more grounded than Live and Let Die that it’s actually a bit funny.

Bond has a bunch of trouble believing that there could be unknown, untraceable bullets out there.

As a friendly reminder, in LaLD, Bond fucked the powers out of a psychic in the heroin business and turned the villain into a human blimp.

This lady was showering with a handgun. “A water pistol?” Haha. Good one, Bond.

I think this is the first scene where Roger Moore has slapped a woman around. Still shitty, but at least it’s less frequent than before.

This scene takes place in a strip club, where the women are actually topless. They just seem to have their hair taped to their boobs.

I guess that makes slightly more sense than the typical PG-13 strip club scene…

Um, the Bond villain was just rubbing the tip of his golden gun around the Bond girl’s boobs and mouth. Pretty creepy, dude.

This movie has the lamest hook of any of the Bond movies. “See, there’s this guy, and he has a golden gun, and he’s pretty good with it.”

Okay, these Roger Moore movies are super-weird about nudity. It’s allowed if it’s even the slightest bit obscured.

This woman’s vagina was clearly visible in the pool. The MPAA was pretty cool about that stuff in the 70s, apparently.

Sorry about all the nudity-related tweets. This movie’s kind of boring so far, and those are the things that stand out.

Otherwise, it’s just been Bond hanging out in China and asking about bullets and stuff.

Okay, Bond’s about to wrangle some sumo-wrestlers.

…and, he won by giving him a wedgie. Then he got knocked out by the little Indian guy, who has a pitchfork. Shit just got real.

I think the Indian guy is supposed to be Japanese, but he clearly looks Indian.

Oh dear God, the little person’s name is fucking “Nick Nack.”

Okay, I looked it up, because I missed where Bond was really supposed to be right now. They’re in Thaliand. This explains a lot.

Also, it’s probably worth noting that the three-nippled man with the golden gun is Christopher Lee.

Looked up the little person on Wikipedia. He’s the same guy who was in Fantasy Island https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herv%C3%A9_Villechaize

Also, he apparently preferred to be called a “midget” instead of a “little person,” so my PC-ness backfired a bit.

Also also, he was French by nationality, Filipeno by ancestry, and his story is super-depressing.

James Bond just won a martial arts standoff in Thailand by kicking a person in the face before the match started. Pretty sure that’s unfair.

The next guy kicked him before it started in return, but he only tapped him on the shin, which is a bit less shitty.

Quick reminder: last time Bond found himself in Aisa (as Connery), he underwent surgery that made him look Asian (but not really).

A couple basically random schoolgirls found Bond a second ago, then beat the shit out of martial artists in MMA. It’s STILL not THAT racist.

God damn it, I almost made a joke about how I hope JW isn’t vacationing in Thailand by coincidence, and he fucking is. WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!

“I really loved the part where the movie became about a redneck cop for 20 minutes” -some test audience about LaLD, probably.

Was about to say that Mary Goodnight, despite the horrible name, is a pretty cool Bond girl, and isn’t putting up with his usual shit.

But of course she showed up in his room in a nightie minutes after turning him down. HE’S JUST SO IRRESISTIBLE.

“What made you change your mind?” “I’m weak.” Bond Girl praise fully redacted.

James Bond just hid one Bond Girl in the closet so that he can have sex with another Bond Girl. James Bond problems.

OF COURSE Bond jumped into a car that JW was randomly sitting in. Can’t have a chase scene without JW!

JW is worse than Jar Jar Binks, and even less essential to the story.

I hope that JW shows up in space in Moonraker. You know, just on a space vacation.

There has not yet been a moment where JW has added anything of value to any scene he’s been a part of.

From this point on, I’m going to pretend that JW is a figment of Bond’s imagination. It’s more interesting that way.

Damn it, JW interacted with somebody else right after I started that experiment. He can’t do anything right.

Haha Scaramanga (Christopher Lee) and Nick Nack just escaped in an actual flying car. It’s a car with airplane wings attached to the top.

This movie’s fascination with solar power/panels is adorable.

Turns out that if you have a solar antenna thing, you can steal solar energy and reconvert it into an explosive heat beam! THE MORE YOU KNOW

I have subtitles on, and when Christopher Lee said “Mano a mano,” it just said “SPEAKING SPANISH” for one line.

Jesus, Mary Goodnight is the worst Bond girl ever. She’s fucking up EVERYTHING in the Evil Lair Stage.

She threw a bad guy into a liquid nitrogen vat, and now the temperature is unstable and everybody is going to blow up.

And now she just opened the heat ray antenna thingy with her ass. She pushed the button with her butt, and now Bond has to avoid lasers.

“Just push every damn button, will you?!” Great technical advice, Bond!

Pretty sure this movie ended with James Bond throwing the little person into a luggage box and throwing him into the ocean to drown.

Okay, nope. He’s just hanging around in the masts. Movie’s over.

That wasn’t as offensively terrible as Live and Let Die, but it was a pretty lame and formulaic entry.

The story beats have been identical for the last 3 movies. The creatives were afraid of innovating after Majesty’s Secret Service flopped.

Moonraker

I always thought that Moonraker was one of the more ridiculous Bond concepts, but I didn’t know about voodoo heroin virgin psychics yet.

Roger Moore has the most half-assed of the “turn-and-shoot” Bond intros.

This movie starts with a couple of guys in leather jackets hijacking a space shuttle. I bet NASA has to put up with this shit all the time.

I love the Bond movies where Bond starts out on a completely different mission making out with some random girl. It needs no explanation.

Haha Jaws (the bad guy from the last movie) was on this plane with Bond. He was just there, for no reason, with no explanation.

The stunts in these Moore-era Bond movies are out of control. I wish they still did these things rather than CGI-ing it.

Bond just jumped out of a plane and stole a parachute from a skydiver mid-air, and it was all real.

Haha the opening credits of Moonraker involve silhouettes of women AND clowns, in the least sexy juxtaposition I can imagine.

Also, this naked lady silhouette is functioning as an airplane. I don’t know why.

Moneypenny looks older with every movie, and Bond stays the same. It’s weird.

The Drax Corporation hires supermodels to pilot its helicopters, apparently.

The Moonraker hangar has MOONRAKER written on top of it in super-big letters. It must clarify a lot for helicopter traffic

The head of Drax Corporation just made reference to a “Dr. Goodhead.” Please be a man, please be a man…

The head of Drax has an Asian stereotype for a sidekick, so you know he’s the villain of this movie already.

He also told his Asian buddy to “see that some harm” comes to Bond. So, y’know, there’s that.

Oh, hey, Dr. Goodhead is an absurdly attractive woman. SURPRISE OF ALL SURPRISES.

James Bond ACTUALLY WAS surprised that Dr. Goodhead was a woman. Bond, her name is “Goodhead” in a Bond movie. Bond’s new name is “Badhead.”

“You’d make a great saleswoman.” Bond, she’s a fucking doctor with NASA. I don’t think she’d want that.

Jesus, this Asian sidekick walks around Drax’s NASA base in a kimono and yellow felt.

The g-force machine Bond was trying was sabotaged to go too fast, so he shot it with a dart. This worked.

Dr. Goodhead just got fired for showing Bond her safe (not a euphemism). Maybe she should become a saleswoman after all.

Nevermind, she just got torn apart by attack dogs.

Oh, hey, there’s a new attractive lady. Right on time!

*Slow zoom on woman’s face* Gee, I wonder, if she’s evil?

The actress playing this woman is literally credited on IMDB as “Blonde Beauty.” Her bio reads “known for Moonraker.”

Apologies: it appears that it was Corrinne Dufour who slept with Bond and got murdered, NOT Holly Goodhead, who is still employed and alive.

In my defense, the actresses look really similar http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001042/?ref_=tt_cl_t2 http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0166452/?ref_=tt_cl_t5

An assassin just tried to attack Bond by hiding in a coffin that was floating down the Venice canals. Gotta watch for that kind of thing!

He also threw knives, because that’s definitely the most assured method of assassination when floating in coffins.

Bond is outrunning the bad guys on a motor-gondola, which is the best kind of gondola.

He also inflated a raft with wheels to push it up onto land, and he’s driving through the Piazza San Marco. This is objectively the best.

Hahahaha the door code in this place was the tone sequence from Close Encounters.

Asian Sidekick (his name is Chang, which might be more racist than calling to him “Asian Sidekick”) is attacking Bond with a wooden sword.

Bond just referred to Asian Sidekick as “Cha.” He’s credited everywhere else as “Chang.” I just don’t know anymore.

Oh, Dr. Goodhead is really a CIA agent.

I’ve noticed that, if you’re a woman, having sex with Bond is about as likely to lead to death as having sex in a slasher film.

I still don’t really get why Jaws is in Moonraker, aside from people liking him in The Spy Who Loved Me.

For a Bond movie that’s known primarily for Bond going to space, Moonraker is full of great locales: California, Venice, Rio…

Bond: “His name’s Jaws. He kills people.” And there’s his motivation, I guess.

I think it’s funny that Jaws’ ability to effortlessly tear through metal is just unexplained. He has metal jaws! He can do that!

Somehow that also means that he can tear through metal with his arms.

A beautiful blonde just fell in love with Jaws at first sight. I guess he’s okay now?

Bond is in Brazil now. This movie is all over the place.

Oh shit, they have an actual laser gun. It melts plastic and shit.

I always love when people in movies have insanely detailed knowledge about something way out of their expertise.

Bond just recognized a chemical formula of a nerve gas as being from a plant, and immediately recognized an image of an “orchideae anegra.”

Haha they stuffed that explosion with dummies. It really added to the effect.

Jaws is still trying to kill Bond, so I guess he’s still a bad guy, despite falling in love.

Bond basically has an ejector seat in this boat, but it’s a hang glider. Which is awesome, and should be standard in all vehicles.

Casting calls for Moonraker: “Are you a beautiful woman? Can you stand completely still and watch a man wrestle a snake?”

Bond is in space. I repeat, Bond is in space.

The villain’s plot in this movie is basically the Russian sex gecko study, as envisioned by Hitler.

Lesson to future Bond villains: maybe don’t insinuate that you plan to murder the 7′ metal-toothed guy right to his face.

OH SHIT!!! OUTER SPACE LAZER FIGHT!!! They’re the kinds of lazers you spell with a z, complete with sound effect.

“At least I will have the pleasure of putting you out of my misery.” Why don’t villains use that line more often?

Bond, it was unnecessary to eject Drax.from the space base. You had already shot him with a lethal cyanide dart.

Moonraker ends with Bond doin’ it in space, because of course. Also, I think this makes Bond the first and only person to do it in space.

“What is Bond doing?!” “I think that he’s attempting re-entry, sir.” HIGH FIVE, M!

Moonraker verdict: Basically a series of shit happening, but at least it’s FUN shit.

Better than Live and Let Die or Man With the Golden Gun, but not as good as The Spy Who Loved Me.

For Your Eyes Only

Blofeld’s in this movie, so I think this is the 4th actor to play him. He’s never been played by the same guy twice.

Haha Blofeld is trying to outrun Bond, who is in a helicopter, on his motorized scooter.

…and he dropped Blofeld, his ARCH NEMESIS, into a smokestack. That opening was hoaky even for a Bond movie.

Oh man, this Sheena Easton song is hardcore 80s, guys. This is the first 80s Bond film by the way

Once again, the Moneypenny flirtations have gone from cute to really weird, now that she’s aged 20 years and Bond hasn’t.

The first major scene of this movie is a girl we’ve never seen, meeting her parents, and then them being riddled with machine guns. O-kay.

Two scenes later, they just explained who those people were and why it was relevant.

This movie has the corniest score of any of them yet.

25 minutes in, and the first awesome thing happened. A henchman tried to bash the window of a boobytrapped car, and it exploded.

The henchman was IMMEDIATELY replaced by a dummy in the next shot, and it flew all over the damn place.

This is the first movie to really match what I see in my head when I think “Roger Moore Bond Movie.” Super-cheesy

Live and Let Die had elements of that, but it was overshadowed by the rampant, overt racism.

There’s a kind of cool car chase going on, but you can tell that they’re cheating a lot of the stunts with editing. No corkscrew jumps.

Haha Melina (the surviving daughter) goes on about Greek mythology and what Greek women are supposed to do, but is actually half-Greek.

Haha there’s a killer umbrella prototype in Q’s lab. You know they only created that so Bond could say “Stinging in the rain?”

Q’s using this computerized composite sketch program that you know looked high-tech in the early 80s.

It’s funny to me that video game character creators are far more complex and viable than what they could imagine in the 80s.

A Bond girl in this movie is an ice skater named Bibi Dahl. Just reporting.

Italian Man: “Amore, amore.” Blu-Ray subtitles: “Speaking Italian”

James Bond just refused to have sex with a beautiful woman who sneaked into his bed, and kicked her out. This is unprecedented.

“All I can say is, don’t grow up anymore. The opposite sex would never survive it.” I’m…not quite sure what you mean by that, Bond.

3 of the last 7 Bond movies have had chase sequences on skis. This is not a complaint.

Sorry I’m being relatively quiet about this Bond movie. There’s not that much to talk about. He was attacked by hockey players, I guess.

The girl he just hooked up with was just run over by a dune buggy. That’s much more standard than it should be.

Just learned that Bond can distinguish opium by taste.

This is the sexiest scene about vaccuuming sand off of an underwater surface that I’ve ever seen!

There’s a villain who popped up underwater in this hilarious looking sci-fi metal scuba suit, with claw hands and everything.

He looked like a prototype for a Big Daddy in Bioshock. Meanwhile, Bond and Melina are still in their normal yellow scuba suits.

Usually I can refer to a Bond movie as “the one where ____ happens” or “the one with _____.” There’s nothing that really stands out here.

The movie ends with Melina removing her clothes and saying “For your eyes only, darling.” That’s the only reason for the title, I guess.

The end credits are still rolling, and I’m already forgetting what happened in that movie.

Octopussy

Roger Moore’s “turn and shoot at the camera” opening is the most half-assed there is. He would’ve been shot dead, dude.

So, I think Bond was sneaking into a Cuban base at the start of this movie, but there was no indication of country, really. It’s just a base

He put on a fake moustache to impersonate a (Cuban?) Colonel and escaped in a jet plane, though, so it’s pretty good stuff.

The jet out of the closing hangar door stunt that ended that sequence was really damn impressive.

Hahahaha he’s filling up his jet plane at a shitty old gas station he pulled up into. I don’t think that works…

Haha this naked title sequence girl with the gun looks totally uncomfortable.

The song for this movie is “All Time High” by Rita Coolidge, because nobody was going to write lyrics around the title Octopussy.

Okay, Octopussy. You can’t just START with James Bond dressed up as a clown. You have to explain that shit.

Oh, okay, that clown WASN’T Bond. I just know that this is the movie where he dresses up as a clown at some point.

Anyway, that clown died. And now they’re finally acknowledging Moneypenny’s age by having her retire and bringing in a new girl.

Oh, okay. The clown was 009. British agents frequently dress up as clowns.

Those damn clown-murdering Soviets…

This movie’s story is about clown murdering for faberge eggs, or something.

Some snake charmer was playing the Bond theme for its snake, which Bond loved, of course.

The pool at Bond’s hotel is about 90% populated by ridiculously attractive women. There are like, 3 guys and a family, too.

James Bond is gambling at backgammon rather than cards in this movie, which is about as fresh as late-era Moore is going to be, I suppose.

Haha this Afghani bodyguard just crushed Bond’s dice with his bare hands. SCARY!

That bodyguard might be Indian, actually. They’re in India, but the main bad guy is Afghani. Just trying to be accurate.

Bond just got stabbed by a giant 5-sided star! Fortunately, it stabbed the money in his pockets. Being rich makes everything easier.

They just jumped over a camel in a motorized cart, which was exactly as awesome as it sounds.

Haha the cart just did a wheelie for no reason.

And Bond just threw a bunch of money out of the car to attract the poor Indians and block his pursuer. Again, being rich solves everything.

Q has a homing device with a mic for Bond this time, and his pen can listen to it. Also, the pen can drip acid, which is great

They also gave Bond what looks like an Apple Watch if it were designed by Tiger Electronics.

Bond immediately used his watch camera to zoom in and out on a girl’s rack, because Bond is basically a 13 year old.

In fact, if Bond’s story was that he was a 13 year old who found a genie and asked to be a spy, it would explain a lot about these movies.

The Bond girl in this movie seems to actively dislike him, which will of course change when she sees his penis. That is the Way of Bond.

Oh, okay, they just cut to them post-sex. They didn’t even bother having him seduce her on camera.

She has an octopus tatooed on her. “What is that?” “Oh, that’s just my little Octopussy.” …what?

Guess they had to get the title in somehow, since the rest of the movie is about clown-murdering Indians stealing faberge eggs for Soviets.

HENCHMAN KARATE CHOP OUT OF NOWHERE!!!

And now we’re on a boat being maneuvered entirely by beautiful bellydancers with oars.

Pretty sure that Magda (the lady with the Octopussy) is the big bad, since there was an obscured woman the current villain talked to.

Also, she had a pet octopus. So, duh.

After getting turned down by Magda, Bond asked the Afghani/Indian bodyguard if he wanted one. This did not turn into a sex scene.

Bond is just crept into a room to hide, and there are two corpses hanging from hooks. STEP UP YOUR BODY DISPOSAL GAME, KHAN!

Okay, now they’re disposing of the bodies. Bond is just standing in a corner looking stealthy and they haven’t noticed him.

Don’t worry guys, Bond escaped in a body bag.

He also just got stuck in a spiderweb for about 7 seconds. He didn’t get caught or anything. I don’t know why that was there.

He also just got cornered by a tiger, which he told to “sit!” and ran away. This is a whole sequence of anticlimaxes.

A snake’s on him, and he told it to “hiss off.” It left with no consequence. I’m not making this up.

Now he’s swinging from vines and screaming like Tarzan. I don’t know why he’s doing the Tarzan scream. That is rather conspicuous.

“Mr. Bond is a very rare breed. Soon to be made extinct.” Oh, sure, random bad guy.

Okay, Octopussy IS a different character from Magda.

Oh my God, the Octopussy red jumpsuits are totally ridiculous

octopussy

This movie stopped being about clown-murdering Indians and Soviets and is now about a Southeast Asia octopus cult. Well, alright, then.

Oh, the clown was from “Octopussy’s Circus.” Which must be a wonderful family affair.

*Bond kisses Octopussy* *She screams “NO!”* *Bond makes a witty comment* *They kiss again* *”Oh, James…”*

That whole scene needs onscreen text saying DO NOT TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

The spinning razor blade weapon thingy in this movie is actually pretty cool.

Some assassins are trying to kill both Bond and Octopussy, even though they technically work for Khan, who works for/with her, I think?

This movie doesn’t make a lot of sense.

OH NO, CROCODILE ATTACK! IS BOND GOING TO BE OKAY?!?!?!

Oh, but wait! It was a FAKE crocodile that was actually an escape vehicle for Bond! Sneaky, Bond!

Now this movie is about the Soviets planning a nuclear attack and pinning it on the Americans, so Europe forces us to disarm.

This movie is all over the place.

Ha, evil henchman! Bond wasn’t even IN that gorilla suit you just decapitated! I bet you feel silly now!

Haha this knife thrower is trying to kill Bond to avenge his brother (?), but of course just threw knives to pin him to a wall.

Literally any of his precise throws could have killed Bond. But no. He pinned him to a wall instead. Quick thinking, man.

Now, he’s dead, and Bond got a one-liner and everything. Your brother must be ashamed.

The female trapeze artists at this circus are all wearing thongs, because of course they are.

Oh shit, Bond has gone full clown. I repeat, BOND IS NOW DRESSED AS A CLOWN.

“The suspect’s wearing a clown suit, over!” Not something a security guard hears every day, I would assume.

This scene with Bond as a clown is sort of the climax of the movie, which was not necessarily the best idea.

Bond is defusing a nuclear bomb while dressed as a clown. That is happening right now.

*Human Canonball comes out of the canon after bomb defusal* “Now?” *Audience cracks up* Ha! Good one, Human Canonball!

Oh my God, cultist circus performers are launching themselves onto an evil base by using elephant-propelled see-saws. This is amazing.

Meanwhile, the bellydancers are distracting guards and they’re also using human pyramids to get over hte wall and swinging from ropes.

This is so fucking stupid, and I am loving every second of it.

Haha Bond just distracted a guy by putting the head of a tiger fur over a railing. The dude thought there was a tiger and Bond shot him.

Bond is hanging onto an airplane that’s in flight right now, so I suppose that’s pretty exciting.

They had an actual stuntman hanging onto this plane, which is fucking crazy.

Knife fight on top of a plane that’s currently in flight. Awesome.

Bond won, btw.

Giving credit where it’s due: none of the Bond Girls died in this movie.

Well, no sex on a life raft to end the movie, but there was sex on a boat. I guess that counts.

That was a fun one. It didn’t make any sense at all, but it was fun.

A View To Kill

Uh oh! Another ski escape opening! I’ll never understand why British secret agents go on so many skiing missions.

Shit, they blew up this stunt guy’s skis while he was using them. The stunts in these movies are amazing

Haha Beach Boys out of nowhere. I’m kind of digging it.

… And, back to the musical score. It’s as if the California Girls interlude never happened. They’re still in the Arctic, by the way.

Bond has a babe, beluga, and vodka waiting for him in an Arctic submarine, because of course he does.

Oh man, neon nails and synthesizers over the opening. This is full-on 80s. I’m still enjoying it.

I tend to enjoy the Roger Moore movies more when they’re openly batshit. This is a ski themed 80s title sequence, so they’re winning me over

Dancing body paint girls, naked women with neon streamers hanging off of them… And, it’s over.

Okay, Moneypenny is back again, despite getting a replacement in Octopussy. She is pretty old now.

Fun fact, via IMDB. Roger Moore and Lois Maxwell (Moneypenny) were born in the same year. She’s age appropriate for him, unlike Bond Girls.

They were both 58 while making this movie.

People are being killed by ninjas shooting fake butterflies in this scene. It is very ridiculous.

Another chase scene, this time with Bonds car being chopped into pieces at different points. So goddamn impressive.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN JUST SHOWED UP. SHIT IS OFFICIALLY REAL.

Tibbett, Bond’s cover partner, just seriously suggested that there’s no way he’d have sex with some girl because they’re on a mission.

Christopher Walken’s first line to Bond had to do with a man wanting to be reincarnated as a horse, so all good so far.

The only black person in this movie so far is a henchwoman with her hair done to resemble devil horns.

Under the horse stable is a secret horse stable with more horses. Sneaky, Christopher Walken!

So, Christopher Walken’s evil plan involves steroid abuse in horse racing? Gotta admit, that’s a little weak.

Walken just kinda sorta sexually assaulted his black henchwoman, whose name is May Day, BTW.

Bond just banged May Day, because this is a Bond movie and that is the natural progression of things

Haha Walken has a digital camera whose images look like an 8 bit PC cutscene

Oh no! Tibbetts just got murdered in a car wash!

Bond is surviving underwater by sucking air out of his car tire. Clever, Bond!

Outside of fixing horse races, Walken’s other Evil Plot is to destroy Silicon Valley. Kind of a small goal for a Bond film.

Haha they tossed the guy who disagreed with their plan out of a blimp.

Just learned that Walken is the result of a Nazi scientist’s experiments with steroids. This movie is all over the place.

Bond update: he’s doing a KGB agent in a jacuzzi while listening to Tchaikovsky

Bond saved this woman’s life, made her dinner, and fixed her power, then DIDN’T sleep with her! Does that count as a plot twist?

Christopher Walken’s current plan is to trap Bond in an elevator and set the building on fire. He is definitely a Bond villain.

The crowd outside is cheering Bond on as he rescues his girl, which is weird, because they should think he’s a murderous arsonist.

The Bond girl who takes over the second half of this movie is way too dull. They paint her as a dimwit with no useful skills.

They’re driving a firetruck, and the ladder busted the top off of a truck where a couple was doing it. Everybody is doing it in Bond World.

Sorry, there’s just not a lot to talk about in the later part of this movie. They’re in a mine under the San Andreas Lake right now.

The evil plan is to upset the San Andreas Fault during the Spring tide and flood Silicon Valley, so Walken has a monopoly on microchips.

Please remember that Christopher Walken is a Nazi scientist’s steroid experiment, and this is what he came up with. Weak sauce.

Well, shit, the explosives actually went off.

Christopher Walken is gleefully firing a machine gun at a bunch of drowning contractors, so at least this movie has that going for it.

Oh, May Day was only bad because she thought Walken loved her. The women in this movie are even bad by Bond standards.

Only about 10 minutes left. At this point, the Nazi steroid thing feels like a remnant of a prior screenplay draft.

May Day isn’t a great character, but at least she’s worth a shit. Her and Bond are getting rid of the main bomb right now.

Oh no, Useless Blonde Girl Stacey has been kidnapped by Christopher Walken, so we’ve got one more setpiece on the Golden Gate Bridge

Christopher Walken’s blimp just exploded, so I think it’s about over.

And, it’s over. VERDICT: pretty weak, confused movie. Wasted Christopher Walken. Sorry Moore had to go out on a weak entry.

The Living Daylights

And, it’s over. VERDICT: pretty weak, confused movie. Wasted Christopher Walken. Sorry Moore had to go out on a weak entry.

In addition to that, it’s the first Bond film to star Timothy Dalton. IT’S A NEW ERA, FOLKS!!!

Dalton’s turn-and-shoot opening status: better than Moore’s.

Starting with a skydiving stunt. At least we’re still in the era when stunts mattered.

Oh yeah, synth chase music. This sounds like the N64 game soundtrack. Still definitely in the 80s.

Really digging this opening sequence. Cool twist with the training becoming real, great chase scenes and cinematography.

I already like Timothy Dalton’s performance, too. Maybe not as charming as Connery or Moore, but he’s got more gravitas.

Dalton’s more professional/realistic portrayal does make it weird when women just throw themselves at him like a cartoon pilot.

Oh man, this is the most 80s theme song yet…

Haha gunshots are punctuating the synthesized drumbeats of this song. It’s hilarious.

I don’t think there’s been a single Bond movie that’s less than 2 hours yet, by the way. They’re usually 1-10 minutes over the 2 hour mark.

I looked up a listing of runtimes, and they said that the Connery movies were under 2 hours. But I’m fairly certain that’s incorrect.

There are actually women in this movie who don’t look like supermodels. PROGRESS!

Also, this film just moves. I don’t think there’s been a lengthy scene of exposition yet.

The same actor is still playing Q, and has been since the Connery days. The continuity fuckery in this series is sort of endearing.

Haha right after I said that, Moneypenny showed up, and she’s a brand new, young, actress. AHHH CONFUSION!!!

A man just blew up a golden mannequin to 80s rock music. Q called the weapon a “ghetto blaster.”

Moneypenny just hit on Bond, and he pretty much outright refused her. That’s a new dynamic.

It’s weird how Moneypenny has gone to a cute office flirtation, to a just-being-polite flirtation with an older woman…

…to a very pretty woman who Bond is just inexplicably completely uninterested in.

One of Q’s gadgets opens “90% of the world’s locks.” That’s a pretty good dramatic device, since you never know when it’ll fail.

Timothy Dalton is definitely not the best “romantic” lead. Instead of being charmingly exasperated, he’s acting straight-up pissed.

BOND’S VEHICLE SHOOTS LAZERS OUT OF ITS WHEELS. I WANT A LAZER WHEEL CAR.

I’m still spelling lazer with a z, because it feels right for this situation. I’d like to believe that the spelling changed in the 90s.

They drove into a shed and it moved with them. They were just driving a freaking house around the ice while being shot at by rockets.

Once of their tires blew off, so Bond drove around his pursuer and used the rim to cut the ice around them. So fucking awesome.

HE JUST ROCKET JUMPED OVER THE REST OF THE BAD GUYS IN HIS CAR AND THIS ACTION SEQUENCE IS THE TITS!!!

Haha and he just set the car to self-destruct and kill a bunch of skiers. Because there are ALWAYS skiers.

Now Bond is escaping the skiers by sledding down a hill in his girl accomplice’s cello case. This scene, you guys…

Haha Bond has a “usual suite” in Austria. They implied that he casually goes to Austria and picks up random chicks. Bond is awesome.

Timothy Dalton is way more charming/romantic when he’s playing with his Bond Girl at a carnival.

I actually really like the idea of Bond just having fun at a carnival.

I’m also going to brag that I’ve totally been on the ferris wheel Bond’s on right now.

Haha he arranged to “stop” the ferris wheel (which is like a train car) at the top for the night. That’s…actually creepy, Bond.

Sort of reminiscent of Dennis Reynolds excitement over having a boat, and how girls wouldn’t leave “because of the implication.”

WHOA ACTUAL NUDITY JUST HAPPENED. Sorry for the caps, but given how sexual these movies are, it’s weird how rarely nipples show up.

A footchase is now happening. It’s not quite up to the Casino Royale level, but it’s pretty damn good.

Cheesy sexy music plays while two prostitutes in a convertible pick Bond up from his chase.

Oh, but they’re NOT prostitutes, they’re bad guys! Uh oh, Bond!

Oh, wait, they actually work for the CIA, and just held Bond at gunpoint for no real reason. DOUBLE-FAKE-OUT!!!

There’s currently an iced animal heart surrounded by diamonds onscreen. Not something I ever expected to see, personally.

This movie’s plot is convoluted (as usual), but it’s been consistently entertaining without just being ridiculous. Pretty good, so far.

So, basically, the Taliban just helped Bond escape from the Russians. Funny how history makes this awkward. See also: Rambo 3.

Bond just “promised” the Bond Girl in this movie that he’d see her again. I get the feeling that he makes that promise a lot.

Haha they just tried to make this Taliban character seem heroic by trading opium so that they can make Russians OD and pay for weapons.

The end of this movie feels a bit like Raiders of the Lost Ark, if Indy had inadvertently helped cause 9/11.

Now he’s fist-fighting a big dude and hanging onto cargo in midair, from a plane. I wonder if this inspired that scene in Uncharted 3.

I’m apparently not the only person who’s made that connection

They just parachute-ejected from a plane in a jeep, so that was pretty cool.

It just randomly jumped ahead to a completely different covert mission with Bond and the CIA.

…and, it’s over. Verdict: Pretty good entry. Not always narratively clear, but better than most. Much better introduction than Moore got.

License To Kill

Alright, the movie’s starting. There’s already extra forboding music over the “Bond shoots the camera” segment.

Bond appears to be going to a wedding, but they’ve been intercepted by a DEA/Coast Guard helicopter. Uh oh!

He and the groom both just took off to go on a missoin, on route to the wedding. Bride’s gonna be pissed!

The bad guy is a Cuban drug lord who apparently whips women. So, y’know, not a great guy.

Bond is going to try to lower himself down on a hook, from a helicopter onto the villain’s airplane. This is an actual stunt, and awesome.

He just caught the airplace with a hook. This is semi-reminiscent of Bane’s heist at the start of The Dark Knight Rises.

This movie does deserve a little flack for primarily characterizing a “Villain” by the fact that he beats a woman. That’s a bit cheap.

Okay, I guess this villain Bond captured at the start is actually going to be the villain in the rest of the movie. Complaint redacted.

Oh my God, the villain was captured and the opening credits are over, but we’re actually seeing the wedding. This is unprecedented.

Uh oh, Bond caught the garter belt! Now the groom is telling the wife about how Bond “was married once, but it was a long time ago.”

MORE CONFUSING CONTINUITY!!! That was, like, 2 Bond’s ago! And he was only married for an hour or two!

The villain has already escaped, and he has captured the bride and groom.

I just realized that this is the last Bond movie that I’ve never seen. I’ll at least have some vague memory of all of the Brosnan movies.

More than vague, even, for Goldeneye and (ugh) Die Another Day…

Update: Cuban druglord woman beater bad guy just fed a guy to a shark. Now he just needs a secret exotic base.

Bond: “What’s going on?” Airport clerk “Some big drug dealer just excaped.” *Bond bolts.” Apparently Bond gets his news from civilians.

Oh shit, the bride is dead! Bond WILL NOT LET THIS STAND!!!

The name of this movie is License to Kill, and they just killed a bride. Bond had a dead bride once. Shit is about to go down.

The guy who got eaten by a shark was the groom, by the way. I probably should have mentioned that.

Bond just found him dying with a note that said “He disagreed with something that ate him.” Man, there was some effort for that bad joke.

The villain had to kidnap the groom, bring him back to his base, feed him to a shark, the bring the body back home and attach the note.

And it’s not even a good joke/pun! Even Bond would have rolled his eyes, if not for the grief!

Hahaha the doctor thought that the damage must have been done with a chainsaw. I can’t imagine that shark bites look like chainsaw wounds.

“Chainsaw my ass. I know a sharkbite when I see one.” -groom’s black friend.

Jesus, this guy’s name is “Sharkey.” He runs a boat charter service. Way to be creative, writers.

Uh oh. Gun fight at the aquatic center that’s actually a front for drug smuggling (I think).

This guy just tried to bribe Bond out of killing him with millions of dollars, but Bond fed him to a shark, anyway. Bond is OUT FOR BLOOD.

Sharkey is totally unphased about Bond straight-up murdering that guy via shark attack. He made a joke about a waste of money.

Oh shit, Bond is going to resign to pursue REVENGE

They tried to take his gun, because that’s what you do in these situations, so Bond punched them and escaped. His own men. This is silly.

I like revenge films, but it just doesn’t mesh well with the Bond formula that the rest of this movie is following.

“Who whipped you? Sanchez?” “It was my fault. I did something wrong. It made him angry.” Well that’s…troublesome.

Bond is stabbing bags of cocaine underwater. Take THAT, bad guys!

Another awesome stunt as Bond just grappled his way onto a seaplane as it was taking off, then hung on and climbed up in mid-air

Also, he just detached the door while a guy was opening it, and he (or his stunt guy) fell out of the plane. It was cool.

This movie has computers running data off of CDs, which feels fairly modern. I mean, it’s still-pre-windows, but it’s something.

Bond just ordered a “Bud with a lime” at a bar. That feels wrong.

This movie is sorely lacking in cool, exotic locations. It’s basically a cheesy 80s revenge flick, but with better stunts.

Haha Bond just beat this dude into unconsciousness in front of his waitress, and she was totally cool to grab them more beers.

Now there’s a full-on shotgun/poolcue barfight going down.

One guy is literally attacking Bond with a stuffed Marlin right now. I’m getting Chuck flashbacks.

Haha this woman just shot a wall with her shotgun, and it created a clean, 3.5 ft diameter whole. That’s not how shotguns work…

Bond just negotiated the price for hiring this ex-CIA mercenary girl, which obviously led to sex, because he’s James Bond.

“We’re south of the border. It’s a man’s world.” It’s hilarious to think that it’s somehow NOT a man’s world in Bond’s America/Britain.

It is interesting watching a franchise with a new entry that’s covered 50 years now. You get to see cultural changes in real time.

It’s rare that even 3 years go by with each entry, so the change is gradual, but this movie is so firmly entrenched in 80s style/filmmaking.

They basically tried to turn Bond into a rich, British version of Riggs from Lethal Weapon.

Between this movie and Goldeneye, 6 years pass. I think that’s the most of anytime in the franchise.

The bad guy has an iguana with a diamond necklace. So that’s neat. If I had all the money, I would probably also have a diamond-clad iguana.

Q (who is still the same Q as ever) showed up to help Bond out of his own volition, even though Bond’s not with MI6 anymore. Helluva guy.

The whole idea of Q Branch is hilarious. “Hey, I’m going to make a Polaroid camera that shoots lasers.” “Cool! Fuckin’ have at it, bro!”

…and, Bond just got attacked by ninjas. Completely out of nowhere.

Haha the ninjas are with Hong Kong Narcotics. Of course they are. They’re also working with MI6, which wanted to capture/return Bond.

This movie’s tone is all over the place. It’s a dark, gritty revenge movie that happens to have ninjas and laser cameras.

Okay, Bond’s staying at Sanchez’s place, which I could best describe as a waterfront palace. I guess that’s Bond-villain enough.

Oh no, Sanchez knows that Bond is actually Bond! He’s just playing along with Bond’s story that he’s an assassin! INTRIGUE! ESPIONAGE!

There are a lot of parallels between this movie and Quantum of Solace. Maybe I’ll talk about them more when I get to that movie.

Bond just framed a guy with money and got him blown up via depressurization. He’s not looking like a great guy, this time out.

The ex-CIA badass girl Bond had sex with early just turned into a jealous schoolgirl after finding out he hooked up with the villain’s girl.

Sanchez’ evil plan is smuggling cocaine by dissolving it in gasoline. “How do you get it back?” one asks. “Can’t tell you all my secrets!”

How convenient, screenwriters.

Haha they basically run the gas-cocaine through a coffee filter and it leaves cocaine goop. Which I guess is valuable? I don’t know.

Bond’s being conveyor belted into the cocaine crusher. Quick, Bond! Figure out an escape!

Haha Jesus, this henchman is being torn apart by the crusher, and the movie is not afraid to show all of the bloody chunks flying around.

It’s weird how the revenge plot in this movie is both tonally problematic and completely irrelevant to the structure of the movie.

Outside of the beginning, and a couple mentions since, Bond hasn’t done anything he doesn’t do in a normal mission.

Uh oh, Bond has to choose between Bond girls! So of course he chooses the CIA girl. If you’re a bad girl, you only get sex with Bond once.

It’s alright, though, the other girl immediately found another guy in a tux.

…and, it’s over. VERDICT: Not great. Not outright terrible, either, but confused, and not campy or well-crafted enough to stand out.

Goldeneye

Oh no, the opening bit is all synth-heavy in Goldeneye! Why did they do that?!

By “opening bit,” I mean the “Bond shoots the camera” bit. With the classic theme. Now all synthed-out.

The relatively quiet damn bungie jump opening still holds up really well. It’s uncharacteristic for the series.

I had totally forgotten that this movie’s soundtrack is practically identical to the game.

This movie has a much better sense of cinematography and editing than most entries in the series already.

Also noteworthy: the pre-credits sequence here is actually relevant to the plot. This is the second movie in a row to do that.

Brosnan has the most perfectly coiffed hair of all the Bonds.

The conveyer-belt-escape-whilst-shooting-barrels-to-topple-the-enemy bit was really neat.

Still lots of good stunts in this movie, but the cinematography and editing are now prioritizing a kinetic pace rather than stunt showcasing

The Goldeneye song is pretty cheesy, but I kind of dig it.

Haha this post-credits chase scene has the corniest music, you guys. I’m sorry I’m stalking so much about the music. It hasn’t aged well.

The thing is, the rest of the movie holds up just fine. So the music stands out more.

I probably should have mentioned the visual effects in the title sequence. It was pretty impressive, actually.

James Bond just had sex with his driving evaluater, who is unnamed at this point, so this is definitely a James Bond movie.

Also, the whole chase scene had no justification. He’s just driving fast for an evaluation, and a beautiful woman in a fancy car raced him.

Oh, but said woman is at this casino (it’s also Famke Janssen)! Perhaps this is more than a coincidence!

Xenia (Famke) is more scary/weird/hilarious in bed than sexy.

Had to pause Goldeneye, and this is what’s on my screen.

goldeneye sex 1

That guy has now been fucked to death.

Apparently you can just shoot people with loud guns and take their outfits to steal experimental helicopters and nobody will notice it.

Boris made Natalya guess a password for their network, which was “knockers.” She guessed the exact boobs euphemism on her first try. Nice!

Haha Xenia’s having mini-orgasms from firing her gun. That is the kind of character that she is.

This movie is a mix of really great filmcraft with all of the silliness of classic Bond. That gives it kind of a weird tone.

Xenia saw a broken coffee mug and some brown liquid on the floor, so of course she had to taste it. You know, just to make sure it’s coffee.

The miniature they used as the Goldeneye satellite isn’t convincing at all.

The flirtation with Moneypenny is much more one-sided in this movie. Very different dynamic than the old movies.

“You know, this sort of behavior could qualify as sexual harrassment.” “What’s the penalty for that.” Wait for it…

… “Some day you have to make good on your innuendos.” O-kay. That got creepy.

FIRST JUDI DENCH APPEARANCE!!!

Goldeneye does a great job with narrative clarity. That doesn’t sound big, but considering some of the past movies, it is.

Continuity confusion: Bond refers to M’s “predecessor” indicating that Judi Dench is replacing Robert Brown. Bond also doesn’t like her.

M: “I think you’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur, a relic of the Cold War, whose boyish charms are wasted on me but obviously appealed…”

“…to that young woman I sent out to evaluate you.” “Point taken.” Damn. M the meta-critic.

The messaging in this movie is so weird. There are some really harsh critiques on the formula, but they still stick to most of it.

They decided that it was all cool, as long as they hung a lantern on it. As opposed to Casino Royale, where they re-contextualized.

We’ve still got the same old Q (Desmond Llewelyn). So that’s cool.

The Q scene in this movie is really funny. Lots of great jokes and visual gags. Llewelyn has an excellent delivery.

I haven’t talked much about Brosnan. I like him. He’s one of the most versatile Bond actors.

Connery was amazing due to his natural charm, but coasted through most of his films when it came to actual acting.

Lazenby was a better actor, but lacking in natural charm. He just didn’t seem as cool as Connery.

Moore was good at the goofy stuff, and had a nice, easy-going charm to him, but he never felt like much of a threat.

Dalton had gravitas, and seemed like a dangerous guy. He was also a good actor, but not quite as charming as earlier actors.

What I’m getting at is that Brosnan is a nice, balanced mix of those attributes. He seems competent and dangerous, but also charming.

And he seems to be putting in actual effort on the acting front. His performance is more dynamic than most of the past actors.

I’m loving the Russian country-western bar/house band. Such a weird, specific mix of cultures.

I think I’ve laughed more at this movie (at intentionally funny stuff) than any of the others. Really good writing and performances.

OH NO, BOND! DON’T LET XENIA SEX YOU TO DEATH!

I love that a blockbuster movie made as late as 1995 involved a major plotline about a woman who fucks men until they die.

This time I paused intentionally, but had to share, because it’s hilarious. JAMES BOND’S GRESTEST STRUGGLE

goldeneye sex 2

Why was there no sex battle in the N64 video game OR the Wii remake a few years back?!

He just karate chopped her in the neck to knock her out. If you’re going to include violence against women, might as well make it ridiculous

In the greatest Sean Bean twist imaginable, he’s NOT dead!

Javier Bardem’s character in Skyfall has a lot in common with Trevelyan.

Haha classic Bond villain logic. “Instead of killing Bond and Natalya, let’s knock them out and strap them into a booby trapped helicopter”

Bond: “That’s the trouble with the world today, no one takes the time to do a really sinister interrogation anymore. It’s a lost art.”

Fortunately, facially-scarred supervillains who put Bond into easily escapable death traps are still plentiful.

Bond is in a tank now. Nothing more to report really, just thought I’d pass that along, because it’s awesome.

Bond just smashed through a Perrier truck. Did this movie have an arrangement with sparkling water or something?

Again, really cool stunts. Well planned, well executed, just well done all-around.

Trevelyan to Natalya: “You know, James Bond and I shared everything. Absolutely everything.” Pretty creepy, Sean Bean…

Okay, he’s straight-up trying to rape her now. As if the traitor-Nazi-descendant-who-wants-vengeance part of his character wasn’t enough.

Trevelyan is referring to women as Bond’s “fatal weakness,” and leveraging Natalya’s life. He must not have seen all the women Bond let die.

Also, telling Bond that Natalya “tastes like strawberries” is pretty gross. Trevelyan really went full-bad-guy after his “death.”

Natalya just had sex with Bond on a beach after knowing him for a day, so that hasn’t changed with time, either.

Yeah, Bond. Just stand there as Xenia slides down a rope from a helicopter and kicks you in the face.

She’s now trying to sex Bond to death in the jungle, by the way.

Oh, she’s dead now.

Trevelyan just called Bond out on all the women that died because of him in the middle of another monologue about Bond’s past.

This movie’s writers are constantly like “hey, we’re trying to make a fun movie here, but just so you know, we’re aware of what this is.”

I like that it’s the jittery Borris who sets off the pen bomb in this movie. It’s a clever use of the Bond gadget.

“For England, James?” “No, for me.” THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL.

This movie really made me want to play the original Goldeneye.

The original Goldeneye game, I mean. This movie is obviously the “original” Goldeneye.

Movie’s over. VERDICT: Pretty good. Definitely one of the better Bond movies. Weirdly self-aware, and funnier than I remembered.

Tomorrow Never Dies

Alright, here we go! Tomorrow Never Dies. This one is generally known as being “the one with Michelle Yeoh in it.”

On a personal note, I believe that this is the first James Bond movie I saw in a movie theater

No surprise here, but TND continues Goldeneye’s trend toward more modern cinematography. More cuts, more close-ups…

The opening sequence involves the British and Soviets almost accidentally blowing up a nuke with a missile launch. Oops.

It’s a notable sequence in part because James Bond doesn’t show up for a full 5 minutes. For a Bond intro, that’s a long time.

Bond is pretty much one-man-army-ing against the entire terrorist base. He’s doing well. Lots of explosions. Michael Bay would be proud.

Now he’s flying the nuclear-equipped jet out of the base to avoid the missile strike. I’d love to see him accidentally launch the missile.

…and, he made it out of the explosion! But oh no, he’s being garrotted from INSIDE OF the jet! Don’t die, Bond!

Whoa, Bond just ejected his strangler INTO THE OTHER JET and blew him up!

That was a pretty strong opening. They took the time to set up the scenario, and the action was well-shot, choreographed, and performed.

I’m not sure why the naked ladies in the credits sequence are CGI women made of circuitry, but alright.

I noticed in the credits that Vic Armstrong, a stuntman/coordinator who’d been with the series for decades, was the second unit director.

That’s cool for him. Unfortunately, that probably helped lead him to directing Left Behind this year, which…ugh.

We’re watching a submarine be evacuated in slow motion, so we know it’s serious.

This movie is about a media guy controlling stories to manipulate nations. It also came out the same year as Wag the Dog. Topical!

It’s kind of weird to immediately jump from commentary on the media (“There’s no news like bad news!”) To Bond in bed with a Danish woman.

Bond is “just brushing up on a little Danish.” Oh, Bond! Always rubbing it in that you’re not doing it with Moneypenny!

Ohhh, the newspaper that Carver (the media guy) owns is called “Tomorrow.” Get it?!

“Then pump her for information!” DON’T USE THAT TERMINOLOGY M, YOU KNOW IT’S UNPROFESSIONAL!

Is it just me, or is the car in this movie (1998 BMW 750) the least sexy Bond has ever driven?

tnd car

Michelle Yeoh just appeared for the first time at a party.

Now Bond’s catching up with his ex-girlfriend Paris, who is with the bad guy (Carver) now. She’s played by Teri Hatcher, who’s good here.

We’re at the obligatory “Bond meets the bad guy and they have to pretend they’re not trying to kill each other” scene.

The score this time around is much more traditional and less synth-heavy than Goldeneye. I prefer it.

Carver is just straight-up saying to the world that he wants worldwide domination. I mean, he’s trying ot spin it for good, but still.

Imagine if Google said their goal was “world domination.” Even if they said they wouldn’t be “evil,” it’d still be a PR disaster.

I know I said Teri Hatcher is pretty good, and I stand by that, but she’s really not being given good material to work with.

Carver knows that Bond is a government agent because his employment record is too perfect. He probably catches a lot of “agents.”

They’re heavily foreshadowing that Paris (Teri Hatcher) is going to die. “Murder on relationships,” indeed.

Like Goldeneye, this movie is very “functional.” It’s easy to follow the plot from scene-to-scene.

Gotta say, a newspaper printing facility is not the most exciting place to have an action sequence.

Yep, Paris is dead. Bond’s mood is what I would describe as “slightly bummed out.”

Ah yes, the remote control car parking lot sequence. I do remember this.

Was about to say this sequence isn’t as cool as I remember, but then a guy shot a rocket through both of Bond’s broken windows, so nevermind

Sorry, I’ve been silent for a little bit. There was a kind of cool underwater escape, and Bond/Michelle Yeoh got captured, but that’s it.

I’m pretty sure Jonathan Pryce (who plays Carver) has never typed before. He’s jamming away on that keyboard like nobody’s business.

Carver doesn’t personally kill people, but did just order his henchman to remove Bond’s heart so he can watch it stop bleeding. That’s bad

Sorry, stop BEATING. It would probably continue bleeding for some time.

Bond and Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh) are fighting over who gets to drive the motorcycle while driving, which is probably unproductive.

The motorcycle chase definitely contains the coolest stunts in the film so far.

The motorcycle over the helicopter is a very cool, practical stunt.

Michelle Yeoh is kind of fun. They gave her a fairly independent role, even if she’s obviously going to hook up with Bond in the end.

I do like that Carver is basically fulfilling the SPECTRE role of trying to incite a war between superpowers.

Of course, this is post Cold War, so we’re friends with the Russians, and they had to go with the Chinese. But still, nice though.

I haven’t really talked much about the finale here, because it’s a fairly standard “Bond and partner fight their way through a sub” scene.

It’s kind of funny to me that giant subs are such a frequent occurrence in Bond movies. Like ski escapes.

I’ll give them that the set design for the sub base is pretty cool. Very large, with lots of ways to stage scenes and set pyrotechnics.

Bond just killed Carver with a giant drill, which is pretty metal, I guess.

Carver is dead, but his henchman Stamper is still alive and fighting Bond, and I’m not quite sure why.

Bond just breathed into Wai Lin’s mouth underwater to save her from drowning, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t work that way.

It ended with Bond making out with Wai Lin, rather than having sex with her, which is slightly out of character for these movies, I guess.

The ending was incredibly abrupt, actually, even for a Bond movie.

VERDICT: This one was very competently made, but pretty mediocre, and with a weak villain. It felt like it was going through the motions.

The World Is Not Enough

The only notable thing about The World Is Not Enough that I remember is Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist, which is hilarious.

They jazzed up the Bond theme with some bell sounds in this one, for some reason.

Dear ladies: don’t ask Bond if he’d like to “check your figures.” Just don’t.

You know, opening your Bond movie with Bond visiting a Swiss banker may not be the most exciting course of action.

Alright, now there are guns and hidden explosives, so it’s getting better.

Bond just rapelled down the building by tying a rope onto a guy he knocked out. This is still low-key for a Bond opening.

The movie just jumped ahead to Bond at MI6, which is actually pretty uncharacteristic for a Bond opening. Still no credit sequence yet.

Well, that was definitely a Monica Lewinsky joke: Bond gave Moneypenny a cigar, and she said she knew exactly where to put it (the trash).

Oh no! Explosive money! Way to go, Bond, you got part of MI6 blown up.

Also: MI6 was pretty incompetent to not notice the AR-armed woman on a speedboat just outside.

Speedboat chase. This is more like it. Weird that it took a Swiss banking scene and a scene break to get here. Could’ve cut that first bit.

This movie came out in 1999, and definitely feels “modern,” even compared to Tomorrow Never Dies.

Bond also just jumped his speedboat (which looks like a thin version of Batman’s tumbler) onto land and drove through shops.

Oh man, assassin lady just blew herself up in a hot air balloon because she’s that scared of a mysterious “him.” Annnndddd…onto credits.

Based on the opening sequence, this movie is about naked ladies, guns, explosions, and oil. Got it.

Bond logic: Problem: the doctor says you’re not fit for duty. Solution: have sex with her!

The one constant of the Bond series is that he can pretty much fuck or shoot his way out of any scenario.

For all this talk of Bond being injured, it better actually be relevant in the movie.

John Cleese’s R (the new Q, apparently) just explained to Bond how to put on a jacket.

I love the trope in action movies where if somebody can’t feel things, they’re essentially a super-hero. Damn our senses, holding us back!

Bond is meant to “shadow” Elektra (like the Jennifer Garner superhero). M: ” Remember, shadows stay in front or behind, never on top.” BURN

I guess when your most mockable trait is that you have copious sex with every beautiful woman you meet, you don’t get burned often.

“I hope you know how to ski, then.” Have you even SEEN the Roger Moore movies?! It’s practically all he does!

I would like to amend my previous statement that Bond can fuck or shoot his way out of anything. He can also ski his way out.

They’re being attacked by paraglider-equipped snowmobiles, which apparently can exist.

I love the idea that a Bond villain, at some point, had to place an order for several snowmobilies with paragliders, just in case.

Elektra is just freaking out under this avalanche. She kind of sucks as a Bond Girl.

Okay, who thought it was a good idea to give James Freaking Bond x-ray glasses?

Robbie Coltrane’s Valentin totally looks like a Russian in this movie valentin

We get it, Renard. You can’t feel pain. Holding flaming rocks to prove it just seems self-defeating.

This guy: making his subordinates hold onto burning rocks to prove their devotion. YOU CAN ONLY DO IT B/C YOU CAN’T FEEL PAIN, JERK!!

…and, Bond is having sex with Elektra, of course. His second conquest of the movie.

Girls are totally into guys who save them from avalanches with inflatable-shield jackets.

“And you, what do you do to survive?” Bond: “I take pleasure in great beauty.” You are not taking the question seriously, Bond.

Well, there’s Christmas Jones. Aka, Denise Richards, nuclear scientist.

“Don’t bother. Not interested in men.” Hoo boy, we’re about to run into some awkward sexual politics.

Hahaha Denise Richards is one of the worst people in the world at line, delivery. She’s not even looking at Bond while saying them.

Everything she says makes it sound like she’s reading off cue cards.

Renard is bragging about taking Elektra’s virginity before Bond had sex with her, and it’s pretty gross.

In other news, Denise Richards just ran into the scene at less than 1 mph, and it was hysterical.

Trying to find a Youtube clip of Denise Richards “running” to share with you, but can’t. Sorry everybody.

In case you are unware, nuclear scientist Denise Richards wears a tank top and short shorts in all of her scenes.

She looks and acts exactly like a nuclear scientist would look in a porno.

Example clip:

It’s still cool to see enormous-scale pyrotechnics in these stunts. They’ve basically been replaced by CGI these days.

There’s really not any CGI in this movie, from what I can tell, which probably made Die Another Day even more jarring.

At this point, all the talk about Bond being “injured” was seemingly included for no reason at all. It hasn’t come up since the beginning.

Elektra’s pissed at Bond b/c of his “lying and using her as bait” methodology, so Bond will have to go for Nuclear Scientist Barbie now.

Christmas Jones says that the pipeline speeder-craft-thingy “doesn’t exactly require a degree in nuclear physics.” Har har.

That’s good, because I have trouble believing that she has one.

Yes, M, accept the “gift” from the girl Bond warned you was a traitor during a crisis. Nothing suspect about that.

There’s a reason why I only remembered Christmas Jones from this movie: nothing is particularly inspired. It’s all common Bond formula.

Christmas Jones just stands out because Denise Richards is so, so awful and miscast.

This is one of the few movies in the series that puts M in danger, so it’s got that going for it, I guess.

Now Bond and Jones are being attacked by helicopters with buzzsaws attached. Renard must order from Sharper Image’s supervillain department.

The car in this movie is way sexier than the one in Tomorrow Never Dies.

I feel like outfitting these helicopters with funs or missiles would have been far more effective than buzzsaws…

I’m sorry, I meant “guns or missiles.” Outfitting helicopters with “funs” is ineffective, because funs aren’t physical things.

For some reason I also remember this scene of Valentin floating in a little caviar pit. But not the buzzsaw helicopters, I guess.

Elektra doesn’t make much sense as a character. She resents M for pushing her father not to pay her ransom, but is in love with her captor.

Elektra: “I could’ve given you the world.” Bond: “The world is not enough.” Um, what? Had to force the title in somehow, I guess.

I almost wish that the Daniel Craig movies forced their titles in somehow, just so they’d have to force “quantum of solace” into dialogue.

To keep things going: they’re on a sinking nuclear submarine now. The movie’s almost over. Not much of note to comment on.

I guess Bond killed Elektra, and they made it seem really dramatic and everything, but she was a total crazy person, so it didn’t really hit

Renard’s inability to feel pain hasn’t been at all relevant for the whole movie. It’s just a Bond-villain quirk they pulled out of a hat.

“Welcome to my nuclear family!” GOOD ONE, RENARD! Even though there’s no family, and you just said a phrase with “nuclear’ in it…

“I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey.” …is that even something people say, Bond?

“I thought Christmas only comes once a year” BOND SHE SAID SHE HATES CHRISTMAS JOKES DON’T BE A JERK

This movie ends with Bond having sex in thermal vision. And with that, my livetweeting comes to a close!

Overall thoughts: very average, forgettable entry. Denise Richards is awful, but otherwise there’s little that stands out here.

Die Another Day

This week: Die Another Day, which is high in the running for “worst James Bond movie ever.”

This is really the only Bond movie to suffer from an onslaught of CGI. It’s also the first Bond movie of the current century.

Surfing into North Korea. Very inconspicuous, Bond.

If Point Break had evolved the same way Fast and Furious did, this would have been the intro to Point Break 6 or 7.

It’s already weird to see a Bond movie where the colors have clearly been desaturated after-the-fact. It’s less naturalistic.

Just saw some confusingly bad ADR. He kept talking after his mouth was closed.

This movie makes North Korea look way too competent.

“I am Xao. You are late.” Ha! Good one, Xao!

Bond, if the Koreans can just look up your cover on their smartphones, what’s the point of HAVING a cover?

This Korean dictator guy is just as excited to blow shit up as Kim Jong Un in The Interview, so that’s accurate, I suppose.

This movie’s intro is weirdly dramatic and involved given that it’s inconsequential to the rest of the story.

Hovercraft escape sequence! Something tells me that they sped up the film for this scene, ‘cuz hovercrafts aren’t very fast.

Say what you will about this movie, there’s still some pretty great stunt work going on here.

Haha Bond just held a bulletproof vest in front of him as a shield against bullets. Didn’t even budge as it was getting shot.

He jumped the hovercraft ride before a waterfall and swung to safety on a giant bell rope. “Saved by the bell,” he says, to nobody.

That was a pretty cool sequence, actually.

Uh oh, that Korean guy’s dad is mad that Bond killed his son, so it’s Chinese (Korean) water torture time!

Ugh, this techno Madonna song is so bad. Completely wrong for a Bond movie.

Like, memorably bad. I’m having flashbacks to hearing this the first time.

Also, it’s super-weird that a movie where Bond fences with Madonna and outdrives a space laser opens with a torture montage.

“I’m gonna avoid the cliches.” Madonna, that is a very inaccurate lyric for a Bond movie.

Here’s that terrible song, if you want to listen to it

Post-intro scene: Bond has long hair and a beard now, so he’s been there being tortured by Madonna songs for a while.

Ah, that’s right, they trade Bond for the guy with metal pieces in his face. That’s how the intro is relevant!

I totally forgot that Michael Madsen was in this movie.

M: “Your freedom came at too high a price.” Oh shit, I guess metal-face is a big deal!

I really don’t feel like PTSD-Bond belongs in a movie that’s as ridiculous as this one gets.

Just saying, there is a fucking ice palace in this movie. A whole palace made of ice. Torture is maybe not a compatible theme.

Bond also just woke up from his trauma dream and gave his doctor-lady sexy-eyes and a pun. He shifts on a dime.

Man, I wish I could show up at a hotel with long greasy hair, a beard, and open pajama shirts, and be handed a room with a bunch of stuff.

This hotel sent a Masseuse to kill Bond, or have sex with him while they taped it behind a one-way mirror. One was a contingency, I guess.

Maybe that’s how they play “fuck marry kill” in Hong Kong.

Now he’s in Cuba. I feel like they scouted locations for this movie before the wrote the script.

Bond just got a gun and a car from a Cuban benefactor. I really want his connections.

Halle Berry’s being introduced in her Dr. No homage.

This was the 40th anniversary of Dr. No, so they had to pay homage somehow.

Halle Berry’s parents named her “Jinx” because she was born on Friday the 13th, and they are idiots.

“Ornithologist, huh? Now that’s a mouthful.” You’re not very good with words, are you Jinx?

“So what do predators do when the sun goes down?” “They feast, like there’s no tomorrow.” Cuts to sex scene. PROBLEMATIC!!! (not really)

Bond and Jinx’s relationship isn’t much more complicated than Tinder. She showed up, they thought each other were hot, and then banged.

Also, she just pulled a knife during sex (to cut fruit?), so yeah, pretty much exactly like Tinder.

Bond just knocked this dude out, and his underwear-clad girl on his bed was just like “hola.” Women are pretty unfazed in this movie.

So Bond knocked that guy out, but his body in a wheelchair, and shoved it into a crowd for a distraction. That seemed unnecessary, Bond.

What if that innocent man gets brain-damaged, Bond? DID YOU EVER THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCES?!”

Uh oh, Jinx just killed the appearance-altering doctor and set his office on fire! WHAT’S YOUR GAME JINX?!?!?!

I love how Jinx just washed up on a beach and fucked Bond, and she happens to be some kind of secret agent. Weird coincidence.

Fun fact: if you get electronic medical machines wet, they turn into giant magnets! Thanks for the info, movie!

Jinx was cornered by guys with guns, so naturally she started stripping.

I still don’t know why this movie started with torture. It’s completely irrelevant to anything else so far.

London Calling is playing. GET IT?! BECAUSE BOND IS GOING TO LONDON!!!

He’s parachuting in with a Union Jack parachute, too, because they had to get that homage in there.

Oh, wait, nevermind, this is another douchebag who parachuted in.

Yep, getting to the fencing scene. This movie just feels like a bunch of locations and action sequences shoved together.

I forgot that Madonna is dressed like a dominatrix for no reason in this movie.

“Graves just gave himself and this stranger real swords to fence with and they’re destroying the house. This is totally normal, I’m sure.”

That last quote was meant to come from a bystander, naturally. Nothing about this scene would make sense to anybody else.

They’re also not fencing at all anymore. Just swinging swords at each other as as hard as they can.

Miranda Frost: “That is enough!” No, it was enough roughly 5 minutes ago, before they destroyed several one-of-a-kind pieces of art.

Graves invited Bond to Iceland for a weapon demonstration, after Bond threatened him over his diamonds and they tried to kill each other.

This is just how things work in London.

This scene between Bond and M basically serves to remind the audience what the hell is going on in this movie.

I had forgotten how completely inconsequential Jinx is to this movie.

Dear MI6 virtual reality simulator developers: including a Moneypenny with a bullet in her head was a little insensitive.

It’s as if they designed it so a third party (like a movie audience) would be temporarily shocked out of boredom!

…and, here’s the invisible car. Still pretty stupid.

John Cleese is Q in this movie, and was technically R in the last one. I guess his code name changes if another Q is in the same room.

Frost’s most important skillset, in M’s opinion, is that she’s never fucked her fellow spies. Bond partner qualifications are strange.

Graves: “It’s only by being on the edge that we know who we really are, under the skin.” Oh, go hang out with Vin Diesel in F&F, Graves.

Jinx just showed up after being MIA for about 30 minutes.

Haha I forgot how cheap and stupid the ice palace looked in this movie.

Also: building an ice palace in Iceland seems like an idea formed from country names rather than smart planning.

SHOCKER! Graves is actually the Korean guy who died at the beginning of the movie after a face change! This…doesn’t change anyhing, really

This movie goes a little too hard on the bad puns. “Is he explaining the Big Bang Theory?” “I think I got the thrust of it.” Oh, stop it.

Bond just turned his car invisible in the middle of a bunch of people. Kinda conspicuous, don’t you think?

Hahaha then he just drove up to a gate and got out. The invisibility served nearly no purpose.

Yeah, this movie is pretty bad. Has similar tonal problems to A View To Kill, also considered one of the worst Bond movies

Oh, okay, Miranda Frost is totally cool with fucking Bond, even though she keeps telling him she’s not. All women are easy in these movies.

Jinx is just kind of running around doing her own thing this whole time, like she’s in a completely separate movie.

They’re obviously trying to set her up for her spin-off movie, and it’s not working at all (proof: that movie never happened).

Places Bond has had sex in now includes a swan made of ice.

Welp, Jinx just got electrocuted by the bad guy, so I guess that’s the end of her hi-jinx.

“Who sent you? “You’re momma, and she said to tell you she’s real disappointed in you.” Jinx, you are terrible with jokes-under-pressure.

The metal face guy was going to shoot Jinx in the head, but his assistant wanted to kill her via Goldfinger homage (a laser) instead.

Also, the laser is left of Jinx and going right toward her head, because going up toward a woman’s crotch would be too provocative?

“Switch [the laser] off, or I’m going to be half the girl I used to be!” Jinx, just stop trying.

This movie has more puns than the Austin Powers movies.

Moon apparently modeled his British persona of Graves on Bond. He did a horrible job. They’re only similar in that they’re both British.

At least he must’ve watched The Spy Who Loved Me to steal that parachute design.

Oh no, Miranda Frost! MI6 is almost as bad at detecting and weeding out moles as CTU in 24.

“An ice palace can be such a treacherous place.” THEN DON’T BUILD A PALACE OUT OF ICE!!!

“I enjoyed last night, James, but it really is death for breakfast.” STOP IT WITH THE PUNS. I LOVE BAD PUNS BUT THIS IS PUN OVERLOAD.

The one positive of this movie so far: it’s not as CGI reliant as I remember. Probably because most modern movies are bloated with CGI.

And here we are, at the Bond-outdrives-a-space-laser scene.

Somehow there are still 40 minutes left of this POS.

Hahaha Bond driving off of the ice cliff is one of the worst effects jobs I’ve ever seen. It cuts to a Speed-Racer-esque framerate.

I just checked IMDB, and the guys who wrote this also wrote Casino Royale and Skyfall. How. In. The. Fuck?

This movie has a real problem with doing slow-motion with stuff that wasn’t shot for slow-mo. So you just get horrible framerates.

Oh oh! The giant space laser is melting the ice palace! Who would’ve thought that those two ideas would be incompatible?!

Pretty sure that Bond just revived Jinx by rubbing her left boob a lot. Huh.

…and they kissed, despite having no romantic plot beyond having sex that one time at the beginning of the movie.

I completely forgot that more stuff happened to this movie after the ice palace. Where do you go from here?

I will give Die Another Day a tiny bit of credit for making the intro more integral to the story than I remembered.

Even the Koreans don’t like Moon/Graves. He killed his dad, which led to more low-frame-rate-slow-motion.

Now that Frost is a villain she’s running around in a sports bra thing, because that’s what villains do.

Plane vs giant space laser. Giant space laser wins.

I still don’t know a single thing about Jinx’s character aside from that she works for the NSA and frequently says bad puns.

Jinx and Frost are cutting clothes off of each other in their swordfight. This doesn’t seen to happen when men swordfight.

The Moneypenny VR sex fantasy scene that wraps up this movie is so, so terrible.

It’s hard to believe that that’s the same Moneypenny from Goldeneye.

Jinx is bummed out that they have to give all the diamonds back, because she enjoys putting them in her bellybutton so much or something.

Well, that movie is finally over. Conclusion: definitely one of the worst in the series. It deserves its reputation.

Dear God, the credit song is a remix of the title song. It’s equally awful.

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